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| You know you're getting older when...the predawn drift of white flakes against the streetlights and the dusting on the sidwalk elicits groans of dread rather than gasps of pleasure. I watched my three younger "nieces" waiting in the snow for their ride to school--their delighted squeals and chattering, oblivious to the cold and the treacherous road
conditions. Later, I grudgingly took two preschool boys outside to play in the snow...they could barely be convinced
to eat breakfast first. I stood in the back yard, feeling like a teacher on playground duty, pacing to keep warm. They caught snowflakes on their tongues, made shallow snow angels, ate snow off various unsanitary surfaces. I warned them about getting their non-snowpants wet. Sigh...it was like The Disney Babies vs. Ebenezer Scrooge. When did this weather lose its charm for me? I still like looking out at it, but being out in it is a whole different story.
How many other childhood delights have lost their luster in my jaded middle age? Lord, help me to celebrate the simple pleasures of the children, even if I'd rather do so from the comfort of my livingroom.
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| I wrote here back in June about mulching, the routine maintenance of my garden which made me think about the routine spiritual disciplines that maintain my spiritual health and drive my growth in Christ. I intended to explore that idea some more. Just like I intended to use up the rest of my mulch by the end of June.
Instead, it sat, thoroughly killing the grass, through July, August, September and well into October. Now I have a huge patch of bare earth, and to make matters worse, it's my neighbor's yard, technically--although the house has been empty for over 10 years. Sins of neglect and omission have consequences which spill over into other people's lives. And the visual reminder is painful.
Like the visual reminder of my blank journal, which gathered dust from late August until late November. Why? I don't remember the last time I've gone so long without writing, since I first began keeping a prayer journal back in...1994? Not that the silence, there or here, indicates a complete lack of 1) prayer or 2) reading...though certainly there was less Bible reading and study for much of that time.
I think what the silence represented was a spiritual discouragement which I tried to file away and ignore. Not only have things gone from bad to worse with younger son, but a spur-of-the-moment trip to Florida to visit my dad yielded a surprising revelation: Daddy has become an agnostic, embittered by years of stewing about what's wrong with the world rather than what's right with God. The basic powerlessness I've felt to do anything proactive for either one of these dear family members apparently led to shutting down one of the most basic, useful lanes of communication I travel: that of reading/meditating/journalling. Only God knows what I've missed in those four months.
And now, coming back to those basic disciplines again: using the prayer book for fixed hour prayer, using the devotional book to guide my Bible reading, journalling a paragraph or two in response--these things have made me want to blog again. But each word is an effort, as if the muscle memory has faded so much that I'm in danger of not recovering full use of a limb.
My friend Jon has been writing about seeing December as month zero of 2010, and getting a headstart on plans, resolutions, etc. for next year. I love this idea! And it occurs to me that the first time I used this space to get over writer's block and develop my voice, it was this time of year. Three years ago, maybe? Getting back into my regular routine at Curves always results in a week of achy muscles, but it quickly becomes easier and worth it both physically and emotionally. Might the same be true of this discipline? I don't want to lose the writer's muscle, certainly. For awhile, it seemed that I had nothing to say, but I wonder: is it the ideas that drive the writing, or the writing that drives the ideas?
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| My husband and I took a week's vacation recently. Our two grown sons met us in Pittsburgh for three days, we stayed in separate hotel rooms, did some of the same things, some different things. Then they came back to Fort Wayne, and we meandered across Ohio and Indiana for several days, just the two of us. We were relaxed and spontaneous and felt delightfully self-indulgent. I'm fairly certain we haven't done anything like that since before we had children--over 20 years ago.
On our last day away, we drove up to the Indiana Dunes. Dennis' dad grew up around there, and spent lots of time at the Dunes and swimming in Lake Michigan. Strangely, Dennis never remembers going there as a child, and we never took the boys there. I'm sorry now we didn't.
So we stopped at the visitor's center and talked to an excellent volunteer who gave us maps and advice for making the most of a couple of leisurely hours. We decided on a hike which would take us to the shore. It was about two miles each way, but there were several shorter loops if we got tired. We drove on up the road, found the little parking lot in the big woods. The trail wound through swampland and we were thankful for cool weather which rendered our long sleeves practical rather than an unpleasant necessity to ward off bugs. Dennis loaned me a hat, I put on my sunglasses, we each took a small water bottle and started off.
Right at the head of the trail, I found a tall branch with a thick top and pointed bottom, perfect for using as a staff. My husband had his own walking stick, of course. We walked at first along what looked like a dirt road, with grass growing between tire-worn bare earth--which turned out to be sand. Oh, that's why they call it dunes... Dennis caught sight, up ahead, of a doe breaking through the brush on one side of the "road" in one great leap, and disappearing into the swale on the opposite side. My head was down and I missed her...she was so quiet I never heard a thing. Later on we saw many hoof marks on the sandy trails, and felt as though we were hunters on the track rather than hikers sharing the road with wildlife.
We walked through swarms of bugs, past waist-high wildflowers and, after half a mile or so, into the forest. We weren't expecting the area to be so heavily wooded. The path became a bit hilly, up and down, but still it was moist, packed sand. Occasionally mole tunnels ran across the path, and my staff would sink down without resistance into the hollow under the sand. Tree roots buckled up and we had to watch our feet more and more. The day was quiet, breezy, good for just looking around, talking quietly. We kept expecting to round a curve or crest a little hill and see the great lake stretched out in front of us.
Finally after several summits and descents on trails getting a bit steeper now, we came to a place where another parallel trail joined ours. The little marker told us that we'd come 1.5 miles, and that we were still .5 mile from the beach. Well, we've come three-quarters of the way now. What's another half mile? We shrugged and smiled at each other, feeling intrepid. How hard could it be?
Oh. My. Goodness. They could have warned us. The paths got ever steeper...and our steps got ever smaller as we dug into the increasingly soft sand, and stepped cautiously over gigantic tree roots. Sometimes I used the roots as stair steps, but they weren't often so conveniently placed. Every time we approached an ascent, I said, "We'll see the lake when we get to the top, I'll bet!"
Nope. What we saw was a steep downward path, just as treacherous as the climb had been. Again. And Again.
Soon we stopped talking altogether. Every bit of concentration was needed to keep our feet under us. I was so thankful for the staff that helped me keep my balance in the slippery sand.
Twenty-five minutes later we caught a glimpse of the lake shimmering between trees. It was still at a distance, but we took a deep breath and kept going. It would be embarrassing to turn back now. The last hill was the very worst, and all the way down I caught myself thinking, "We have to go back up this hill..." Even after we left the woods there were several sandy bunkers to cross, one after another, before we finally stood on the beach proper, with the wind off the lake fanning our sweaty faces. We stood panting for a minute before we could talk.
Although the day was overcast, we could see Chicago at a hazy distance to our left. Gary was nearer, still in the west, and Michigan City loomed grayly on our right hand. One lone backpacker with a camera hiked along the beach as though on familiar ground. We drank our water and took deep breaths, trying to gear ourselves up to face that hike again.
The best thing about going back was that we knew if we could get through the first half mile, the rest would be easier. Experience was a comfort and a good teacher in that regard. We moved slowly, taking the hills in baby steps, tempted to stoop to crawling on all fours (I was tempted, anyway). Again the hills, both up and down, seemed to just go on and on...did we miss that marker? Had we passed it unawares? No, finally--there it was. Only a mile and a half more to go, but the trail would get progressively more level and firm. We'd make it back.
We were just coming to the curve that would put us on that stretch of sandy road closest to the parking lot. Another older couple (older like us, not older than us...I don't think) came into view. They were bare-headed, short-sleeved and looked totally unprepared for what we knew lay ahead of them.
I walked toward the female half of the couple and called out, "Are you planning to go all the way to the beach?"
They nodded, smiling. "We're planning to try."
I held out my right hand with the tree staff that had become an extension of my arm for nearly two hours. "Here," I said to her. "You're going to need this."
She looked surprised and hesitated. "Trust me," I said. "I found this at the trail head and I've been thanking God for it the whole way there and back. The last half mile is very steep through soft sand...but it's worth it. You'll make it if you go slowly." She took the staff and thanked me. They walked on.
We arrived at our car about ten minutes later. I wondered whether I'd done them a favor, telling them what to expect. If we had known what that half mile was like, would we have turned back? Maybe. But then again, experience is the best teacher. How can you define for someone else the difficulty of a task? At any given time?
We were well-rested and looking for a little adventure. We were dressed and equipped for the journey. We knew what we were looking for at the end of the trail and we were hopeful that we'd get there sooner rather than later. Warnings might have made us hesitate or worry, but would they have stopped us? I'm not sure. I'd like to think not.
More musings on this tomorrow...
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| I'm a bit stiffer and achier than usual tonight, after three hours in the garden today. The cool overcast weather--it was sprinkling some of the time--was perfect for heavy lifting and shifting, things I'd never attempt once the temperatures are over 80.
My older son watched me lifting bricks from a pathway, putting paver base and landscape fabric underneath, re-setting the bricks, and mulching around them. (And no, he didn't offer to help.) "Why didn't you do this in the first place?" he asked. Smart aleck.
"Trial and error," I replied. There's been a whole lot of trial in my gardening career, and a large percentage turned out to be error. Like sinking the bricks into the grass, forming a quaint pathway around the west side of the house. I think at the time I was going for the whimsical cottage look, as if the path had always been there, waiting to be discovered.
Of course the bricks became so overgrown that I forgot they were there. Now they're in the midst of a very large expanse of mulch, which was why I had the raise their level--so the mulch wouldn't bury them, too.
Shoveling barrow after barrow of mulch from the pile (four cubic yards) sitting next to the garage, I think: "This is worth it. Everything will be easier after this. And I'll never let the garden get so out of control again." It's basic maintenance, something I should do every year, and in some parts of the garden it's probably been at least three years since there's been any mulch at all. So the gardens have become a playground for all those perennials which I should have been dead-heading faithfully and didn't: they seemed lovely until now when they threaten to choke out every other plant I love. Then there are all those invasive weeds I should have dug up by the roots while they were young but snapped off at the base instead. What I gained in a quick fix for appearance's sake, I lost in a stronger root which supports a bigger, tougher weed now.
Does any of this sound like an allegory for spiritual discipline and the results of not tending one's spiritual condition? It's certainly seemed that way to me as I strain my back to undo several years of neglect. Regaining spiritual ground may not be so physically painful...but it's hard work that doesn't get easier the longer it's ignored. The danger, with gardens and souls, is that if one waits too long, there's nothing left but weeds. I imagine this is something akin to the ones in I Corinthians who are saved, but all their works are burnt up--wood, hay and stubble. Instead of bountiful fruit, there is only useless vegetation to be plowed under or dug up and burned.
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| I'm on the worship team tomorrow. Kind of unusual, to just sing and not lead. Nice for a change, I thought, to not be in charge of something.
That awkward statement that was made, by a very well-meaning, godly man...and he said it twice: once to me on the phone, and once to others in front of me...I tried to put it out of my mind. But I remembered it tonight:
"I saw you up in the balcony, and you were really worshiping. And I thought, 'We need her to be up on the platform.'"
I cringed the first time I heard that. Pretended I didn't hear it the second time. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel bothered by the idea of judging someone's worship by how they look at any given moment??? Did it not occur to him that maybe I sit waaay up in the balcony so that NO ONE will look at me while I'm worshiping? I am someone who tries to create a sharp divide between performance and worship, and this is possibly the worst thing you can say to me.
And now I have to be up in front of people tomorrow morning. Lord, please make me invisible.
Here's why I thought of this tonight. I surfed to the blog (via Facebook via Twitter) of a worship pastor friend of mine. He had posted a link to a YouTube video of a worship piece called "Revelation Song." I'd seen him reference it before so I was curious. I put my ear buds in and pushed play. Beautiful, quiet beginning. Strong and simply lyric. Layers of instrumentation and vocals coming...powerful...but I'm judging, not worshiping.
And then my computer screen went blank, and suddenly stars were streaming toward me. My screen saver had kicked in. My hand went to the mouse...and stopped. The song had in that instant become about worship, not about the many close-ups of worshiping individuals I was watching. I listened to the rest of the song with my eyes alternately closed or gazing at the stars. I had no desire to restore the video portion of the feed. It was perfect the way it was.
When I catch sight of someone else who is lost in worship, I feel like a voyeur. If I watch them on YouTube, I get cynical: "Yeah, like you didn't know that four cameras were on you..."
Do you blame me for feeling a certain dread of the morning? For wanting to be invisible?
Lord Jesus, let anyone who looks at me see only You. And let them look away, lest their eyes be dazzled by Your brilliance, or disillusioned by my frailty.
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