| | I'm on the worship team tomorrow. Kind of unusual, to just sing and not lead. Nice for a change, I thought, to not be in charge of something.
That awkward statement that was made, by a very well-meaning, godly man...and he said it twice: once to me on the phone, and once to others in front of me...I tried to put it out of my mind. But I remembered it tonight:
"I saw you up in the balcony, and you were really worshiping. And I thought, 'We need her to be up on the platform.'"
I cringed the first time I heard that. Pretended I didn't hear it the second time. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel bothered by the idea of judging someone's worship by how they look at any given moment??? Did it not occur to him that maybe I sit waaay up in the balcony so that NO ONE will look at me while I'm worshiping? I am someone who tries to create a sharp divide between performance and worship, and this is possibly the worst thing you can say to me.
And now I have to be up in front of people tomorrow morning. Lord, please make me invisible.
Here's why I thought of this tonight. I surfed to the blog (via Facebook via Twitter) of a worship pastor friend of mine. He had posted a link to a YouTube video of a worship piece called "Revelation Song." I'd seen him reference it before so I was curious. I put my ear buds in and pushed play. Beautiful, quiet beginning. Strong and simply lyric. Layers of instrumentation and vocals coming...powerful...but I'm judging, not worshiping.
And then my computer screen went blank, and suddenly stars were streaming toward me. My screen saver had kicked in. My hand went to the mouse...and stopped. The song had in that instant become about worship, not about the many close-ups of worshiping individuals I was watching. I listened to the rest of the song with my eyes alternately closed or gazing at the stars. I had no desire to restore the video portion of the feed. It was perfect the way it was.
When I catch sight of someone else who is lost in worship, I feel like a voyeur. If I watch them on YouTube, I get cynical: "Yeah, like you didn't know that four cameras were on you..."
Do you blame me for feeling a certain dread of the morning? For wanting to be invisible?
Lord Jesus, let anyone who looks at me see only You. And let them look away, lest their eyes be dazzled by Your brilliance, or disillusioned by my frailty.
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| | Posted 6/6/2009 9:34 PM - 6 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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